I am not sure if I was the only one who experienced this, but maybe writing it down can give me a perspective to it, or perhaps help me not feel alone, when I read your comments of #MeToo.
There were some days I woke up, and I just felt like I deserved more than the world has handed over to me, or perhaps, what I have allowed the world to apportion to me.
Sometimes its rage I felt. Rage towards everyone and everything that has led to the stage that I was.
Sometimes, it’s pity. Pity for myself, pity for who I was and for the efforts that didn’t seem to yield anything.
And sometimes, what I simply felt was pain.
Pain of the past, pain from the hurts, pain from the disappointments, pain from the mistakes. Just plain pain.
With my eyes shut and the war still going on in my head, I took a quick glance of where I was and the realization that it is still the same place I slept the night before, angered and troubled me deeply.
How can I still be here?
How can I not have certain things?
How can I not have access to certain opportunities?
However, in this my feeling of entitlement, I tried to ask myself; what exactly I think I deserved again?
Then, Bam! Silence.
My mind, although knew what it wanted, or at least seems to know what it wanted, couldn’t even speak to my head about it. (Because if my head could at least understand, maybe I would have been able to take steps to achieve or obtain them.
Then I realized that it was all in my head.
It was all because of the social media pressure I had allowed.
Everyone else seemed to have their lives perfect except me.
Then again, I asked myself, what the definition of perfect is.
‘Be truthful to yourself’, I told myself.
‘Are you sure it is not the wealth they throw around or the idea of how wealthy, they are, that is upsetting you?’
And yes, that was the answer.
I didn’t understand again that the things that I do are from a greater course, and although it might not have granted me access to great wealth YET, it didn’t mean my life was not perfect.
How dare I compare myself with that person who wakes up living in the riches gotten for her or for herself through ways she can’t even define? Or even riches gotten through years of hard work and strategies?
How dare I think that just because she lives a more expensive life, she is more fulfilled than I am?
It wasn’t that I deserved more, and it isn’t that I didn’t. The challenge was that I didn’t even know what I was worth.
How can I begin to think of what I wanted when I couldn’t even put into words what I was worth?
I looked into the faces of the people who are not worth half of what I was, still, I bowed to them (at heart).
I didn’t really bow to them, because I really didn’t know them, but I bowed to what they told me they were worth.
And all of a sudden, the words of C.S Lewis made sense to me.
“What you see and what you hear depends a great deal on where you are standing. It also depends on what sort of person you are.”
I have fed my head, and maybe even my soul so much of what success is supposed to mean, that I didn’t even bother if that is the success I am supposed to be.
I had trained myself to see everything I did, leading to that type of success.
And that was the moment I failed.
The quest to matter must overshadow the quest to be the matter.
Every time since then, I wake up and look at myself through the eyes of my vision. I tell myself that it doesn’t matter how I look today, especially because it is the same way I will look tomorrow; however, I can work on how I make other people look.
I need to look beyond myself, and see that I have all I deserve, but I haven’t given to the world, what they truly deserve from me.
Olayinka Adelekan blogs at www.queenyinka.com